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If Premierleague Clubs Were Bands…

Arsenal – Arctic Monkeys
Just old enough to go to the shops on their own. Prizewinners.

Aston Villa – Maroon 5
Inoffensive nobodies.

Birmingham – Slade
Wrong, just wrong.

Blackburn Rovers – Judas Priest
Still around and upsetting people.

Bolton Wanderers – Black Lace
Not a shred of class.

Chelsea – Westlife
Backed by millions, very successful because of it, but impossible to love.

Derby County – Wet, Wet, Wet
Try as hard as they might – it's just not going to happen – give up…

Everton – Take That
They refuse to go away.

Liverpool – The Rolling Stones
The establishment living off past glories.

Fulham – Il Divo
Strangely out of place, unless you drive a 4×4 and casually wear your jumper thrown over your shoulders with the sleeves tied in a knot at the front.

Manchester City – Oasis
Also still living off past glories but sporting a massive chip on both shoulders.

Manchester United – U2
Still outdoing their rivals in ticket and album sales in spite of an annoying leader.

Middlesbrough – System of a Down
Summed up perfectly with the album Toxicity…

Newcastle United – The Spice Girls
Attempting to recapture past glories with lots of money and little talent.

Portsmouth – The Wurzels
Unfathomable.

Reading – Mike and the Mechanics
Bland, dull and unlikely to sell out a stadium.

Tottenham – Chas ‘n' Dave
Nauseating cockney's.

Sunderland – Cradle of Filth
Unseemly.

West Ham Utd. – Cockney Rejects
The name says it all…

Wigan Athletic – Hanson
Shone for about 10 minutes yet you knew exactly what was going to happen.

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