Arsenal - Arctic Monkeys
Just old enough to go to the shops on their own. Prizewinners.

Aston Villa - Maroon 5
Inoffensive nobodies.

Birmingham - Slade
Wrong, just wrong.

Blackburn Rovers - Judas Priest
Still around and upsetting people.

Bolton Wanderers - Black Lace
Not a shred of class.

Chelsea - Westlife
Backed by millions, very successful because of it, but impossible to love.

Derby County - Wet, Wet, Wet
Try as hard as they might - it’s just not going to happen - give up…

Everton - Take That
They refuse to go away.

Liverpool - The Rolling Stones
The establishment living off past glories.

Fulham - Il Divo
Strangely out of place, unless you drive a 4×4 and casually wear your jumper thrown over your shoulders with the sleeves tied in a knot at the front.

Manchester City - Oasis
Also still living off past glories but sporting a massive chip on both shoulders.

Manchester United - U2
Still outdoing their rivals in ticket and album sales in spite of an annoying leader.

Middlesbrough - System of a Down
Summed up perfectly with the album Toxicity…

Newcastle United - The Spice Girls
Attempting to recapture past glories with lots of money and little talent.

Portsmouth - The Wurzels
Unfathomable.

Reading - Mike and the Mechanics
Bland, dull and unlikely to sell out a stadium.

Tottenham - Chas ‘n’ Dave
Nauseating cockney’s.

Sunderland - Cradle of Filth
Unseemly.

West Ham Utd. - Cockney Rejects
The name says it all…

Wigan Athletic - Hanson
Shone for about 10 minutes yet you knew exactly what was going to happen.